Agony Aunt

[Imrel]

Another one of my warped ideas. Auntie Morghash is an orc agony aunt (emphasis on agony) with her own column in the Sunday Morgul. Here, you can write a letter asking Morgie for advice from Middle Earth characters, either from the book or made up. Then, if anyone wants to they can reply as Auntie Morgie.

Here's my lame, gimme-a-break-it's-almost-midnight example.

Dear Auntie Morgie,

It seems to me that everyone is so hasty nowadays. I rarely find anyone anymore who will sit down and talk to me properly. Am I just getting old?

From
Lost In The Woods

So you can either write in another plea for help or answer that one. Have fun!

[The Witch King]

LOL!!!! ;D

Nice one Imrel

[Huzgol the Horrid]

Dear Auntie Morgie,

I am an orc living a pitiful, pathetic life in Mordor with very low payment. I have contacts which are high ranking Uruks and they are always in the latest fashion, which happens to be ingrown toenails. Of course, such things cost losts of money and my wages are poor since I only get paid when I rob horses. How do I follow the latest trends without upsetting my lord Sauron? Please help me, I'm a fashion slave!

Luv,
Huzzie Wuzzie

[Imrel]

Lol Huz. ;D

Dear Huzzie,

Fortunately, you are asking one of the foremost trend setters in Mordor... And I know all the nice, cheap shortcuts. Don't want to wait for your toenails to ingrow, or until you've saved enough money to have the surgery? Think thrift. Think theft. Next time you're out plundering Rivendell or the Shire, don't just throw away the bodies of the folks you butcher. They have all sorts of fashion accessories on them. With a variety of human, elf, dwarf and hobbit toenails, you can create an ingrown look all your own to wow the other slaves of Sauron. Find some nice yellow nails (Elves are often a good source, though they won't admit it), glue them together for extra thickness (I recommend Uruk-strength Super Goo), bend into a curved shape using a pair of tweezers, and voila! Make ten (or however many toes you have), and you'll have a set of ingrown toenails that your can stick on and take off at your leisure.

Much love and super glue,
Auntie Morgie

[~Dernhelm~]

Lol! Well, here's another one. Probably familiar after the Haystack thread.

Dear Auntie Morgie,

Drat those blonde, Rohirrim girls! My cousing Séomela got convinced by Éowyn to steal cinnamon apples from King Théoden's private store and guess who got all of the blame? ME! Me! me! I just don't believe it. Of course, lil' bratty Éo got off pretty well, being the King's niece and all while Séomela was her best friend (emphasis on was, they broke up), so it is me who has to shovel the manure orcs leave on the borders during winter season. How do I get out of this? And how do orcs get potty trained?

Darned and angered,
Haleth

[Imrel]

Dear Haleth,

What's important here is not getting out of an undeserved punishment (humans are to stubborn to go back on something like that), but to get your own back on those horse-girls of yours. There are two things you need to know.

One. Revenge may take a while, so be patient.

Two. You can never do too much apple-polishing. (If you were an orc you'd be brought up knowing that.)

Whichever puny mortal is in charge at Rohan, suck up to him. Do errands, give compliments, even send flowers if you have to. If your king's as shallow as the rest of them, pretty soon you'll be in his good graces. Then, the next time something goes wrong (especially something caused by you), innocently let it slip that those little blondies you mentioned had said something about it earlier that week. Blame will fall on them for a change, and they'll see how they like wearing the shoe on the other hoof.

As for your current dilema, all I can say is wear a nose clip. A large one. Garlic flavored, if you can get it, as that stench might distract you from the greater odor of orc manure. And FYI, we orcs are above your primitive potty training techniques.

Much love and garlic,
Auntie Morgie